I  hope you didn't think I meant it tomorrow on Wednesday.

But it's okay. You didn't turn up.

At least I made an effort.

At least I know I tried, and from the way you are ignoring

my fb msgs, I guess I didn't stand a chance.

So M, again I wish you all the best.

I hope you don't feel like it's a big mistake for taking up the offer.

4 years will be fast I believe. 

And if it is our jodoh, insyaAllah.

But know one thing, I have always liked you,

I have fallen in love with you the moment you told me you 

noticed me for almost a year and made an effort to google me.

And I've felt the same way every since. 

You're that only one person whom every noticed me the way you do. And it's hard to just forget it.

Call me selfish, idiot, stupid for all I care.

I know you believe somewhere in your heart that I feel this way towards you.

This is the only reason for me to tell you not to go.

But then again, I know where I stand.

And lastly, if it's meant for me to wait. I'll wait M.

Take care in London. Don't forget your heartland. :)

p/s : It breaks my heart not being able to see you off at ze airport.

Sincerely,

zsznh <3

So here I am blogging because I feel like everyone in my life walks out 

when I thought I could really use some help. 

As pissed as  I am, I am more concerned about this angry sad and so many 

other mixed feelings inside me after someone breaks his very last minute news.

He's leaving. THIS WEDNESDAY! For LONDON! For 4 YEARS! 

And as much as I hate that news, and hate the world for having so many countries.

I just wanted to know where do I stand?

I just wanted to know is it worth it if I decided to wait?

I just wanted to know does he want to see me for that last time?

I want to know.. so badly.

But at this point of time with the silent treatment he gives me,

I may understand what he is trying to imply so I guess by tomorrow which is Tuesday,

I should stop trying.

Well I told everyone basically everyone whom I hope would at least tell me

and help me pull through this situation. But I guess I was wrong eh?

I tell them oh he's leaving and I have thoughts about seeing him off. 

ANNNNNNND, 

I get things like zie dont be stupid, zie for what sia you wanna waste time?

Srsly guys? You all really think that way? 

You guys bombard me with questions like "why are you sad?"

I mean, really.. I wasn't expecting for you guys to react this way.

Some even thought it was a joke.

Some even make feel like I am one retarded kid.

But really, I am upset that you guys didn't understand how I feel.

How I feel towards him before, and now.

How I've always been waiting for him, and know that a part of my heart

still think that I have a chance to be in his life.

To know that somewhere inside me, I saw a glimpse of hope with him.

It upsets me that I have to explain everytime I feel sad whenever I thought he did something wrong,

or maybe we assume he lied. 

I was heartbroken to be explaining every single time about how I really feel.

And explain again now, with the fact that he's leaving. 

I can be crazy. I want to go see him leave.

I want to. So bad.

But there are a lot of things I have to consider when I go like I am broke to pay for my cab fair since he's flight is 2am in ze morning.

And that whether my mom would allow me to go.

Yes I am crazy like that. 

First my boyfriend leaves me just like that and leave things hanging and decided to go missing.

Now I've got to face this. M; leaving? 

I really am lost. I just wished you would read this and tell me I have the last chance to see you in person,

and talk to you.

Cause I really am tired of waiting. What more 4 years.

And if you read this M, I'll be around City Hall tomorrow. 

If you're around, I'll wait for you at Starbucks @ Marina Sq around 2-3pm.

If you're not there, then I understand why. 

I relakan you leaving

All I'm saying,

I just need to see you before you leave :'(

I'll wait.

<3 zsznh.

Never did I thought that problems in life can come at like 3 times at one go.
Never did I also thought that they cannot be solved at one go.

So the other day, one fine Saturday.
It feels like God slapped my face for 3 times and asked me to wake up.
Firstly, I had a fought with kakak and we made mak cry for not speaking up to her.
It's like as if she felt like she failed bringing us up.
Like she deserve to know what's going on.
Which is true, she deserves to know.
But I know my sister too well and she knows me as well,
we dare NOT speak up.
And we also both know that this kind of matter ends really soon.
Eventually did.
Although I still feel like I deserve to be sad and heartbroken with ze things mentioned.
Nvm that. Glad that things are theekhai now. (Y)

Second, hmmmm.
It sucks to financially broke and to see your friends actually paying for lunch
given the condition I am at.
It sucks to have no notes at all in you wallet
As a 21 year old girl who alrdy graduated with a Diploma.
I was stupid to have quit the job just like that I do admit that.
The fact that I have to pay almost 300bucks for quitting my ass mcm gitu je. HAH!
So mana I nak gi carik duit gitu if...
I receive no calls sia from these employers?

Thirdly,
Every true love story has a sad ending I guess.
So whoever reads this, might have known what's happening.
I lost everything.
Lost my mind, lost my dreams, my trust, lost my entire believe towards relationships.
I just don't know how to feel right now.
Cause I failed the third time, I lose him the third time.
Although it's the least expected way for me to lose you like this A.
But I have never ever regret being with you.
And I'm surprised, with the way we ended us. So humble, yet calm.
Makes me feel like I can still have some glimpse of hope,
a little more chances to take, to share this heart with you.
InsyaAllah. If our jodoh is in his hands,
we'll meet again even if it takes years to be together.

As lost as I am. As heartbroken as I am now,
I still have guts to be positive. :)

I know things will be in place eventually will get better.
Ya Allah, please do show me the way. :'(

Lots of Love,
zsznh.