It's been months since I thought I would leave all this behind me.
Thinking that my life will be back in one piece.
After A left me, I would keep telling myself that all this will make me stronger.
Eventually it did. I was. But at times, I was lost. So lost that it wasnt even obvious.

Especially today. I dont remember when was the last time I felt this bad.
At my lowest. My worst.
I lied in my room crying out loud, the same way I did when A left.

All that mixed emotions being so angry, lonely, sad, depressed, jealousy and hopeless
haunt me again I had to feel scared. It always felt like I had nowhere to go.
No one to turn to. And nothing to believe in. My heart tells me i'm basically failing in life.

I hoped for 'someone' or 'something' to give me a glmpse of hope.
But again I was always hoping, waiting. And he never really came.
It never really happened.

My life is basically a complete mess I must say. Crying out loud helps. A LOT.
And blogging makes it better. I know people would be telling me 'dont give up zie'
I never did. I think the world gave up on me instead.

What do I do now? Do I keep on waiting?
Do I have to start believing in miracles?
Seems like there's never going to be an answer
Unless it happens.

-zsznh

So you wanna talk about my past blog post?
You know nuts about what I've been through.
So you wanna talk about my love life?
You know nuts about I feel right after you left me.

Eh what's up with me and nuts eh?

This blog is getting dusty. It's time I wipe the dust and start something fresh.

Well A, please don't start saying things about I am this, I am that. I had feelings for this guy and I did no tell you bfore. I have a kekasih gelap. Arghhh fucking bullshits.
Let me tell you eh..  That guy never once intefered my life. That guy never once messed up our relationship. It's not that I am siding him or I angkat buah dia or what ah but please ah. Use ah your fucking brains sia before kau nak terkam aku dgn kau punya bullshits. Abeh kau punya bullshits kau nak elak? Cibai no balls ah you?

At first, you walked with a girl at CAUSEWAY POINT where my dad is working like only weeks after we broke up and you can fucking deny it. I called you. Begged you like I am almost dying to tell me who the fuck she is you said why do I have to care remember? Why do I have to care eh sial ah cibai. Aku dgn kau bukan 2 3 hari eh. 3 tahun sia. For my dad to see you with another girl not knowing that we already broke up. Boleh eh kau biarkan aku mcm gitu? Aku nangis mcm pompan gila. Pompan gila pon not like that kot.. You can still say MANA ADA MANA ADA. TKDE KENA MENGENA PE DENGAN YOU. Haaahaaaa big joke! Sekali dapat tau kawan secondary school aku jugak kau hentam si sundal tu... Kelakar kan kakak sdare dia pon ex kau. Dia pon kau nak try gang? Mata banyak memandang.. Lama2 pecah tembelang. Allah is with me he doesnt open my eyes he opens dad's my friends, my cousin. They all fucking saw you lah sia with her. Si sundal tu pon satu nak jugak dgn kau.. Gi bukak sudah tudung. Tkde kena mengena your head lah sia.

Eh sudah lah enough with your crappy bullshits la nak cakap aku suka dia time kita together lah apa lah. Kau punya sial nak avoid step tanak sakitkan hati aku lah apa lah. Hati aku ni... Dah keras dah keras kejong numb semua k sejak aku dapat tau. Now msg aku nk step bodoh nk step blur. I know this crite is like 4 months ago dah basi but I salute myself for keeping quiet for THAT long. Now I just had to blurt everything out here. Since kau suka sangat kan baca blog aku. Haha.

Still can ask me things like 'can you not tell E i am contacting you?'. Hahaha this is not even close to contacting ah. Pls eh... I give you this warning. Sampai 2030 punya hari raya pon I will never forgive you ok and I swear to myself that. Ah penat ah bebual. Besok continue. Post ni dulu.

Selamat Hari Raya gang! :)